End of a very exhausting, very depressing term two.

Yay! =D

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[insert appeal here]
Hello, if you’re reading this entry, could you do me a favour and read it all through to the end? Or… never mind. Read what you like.
[end not-appeal-any-more]

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Term 2.

It’s been like, all I’ve been doing was just holding on, trying to keep it there, doing a bit here, pretending to be stressed, thinking about too much, nagging myself over and over, and over and over, and not listening in the end…

It’s been a terrible term, and maybe it started from the trip to Malaysia.

… I seem to have misplaced my little notebook, where I noted down what I wanted to blog about. Strange, I had it a day or two ago. I will try to recall.

I wanted to say, I love people. They can be so amazing and wonderful, to the point that they just make you think everything is wrong with yourself. I can’t remember why I thought that, but I know that I wanted to get that down on my blog. I love people.

I felt that a couple of weeks ago too.

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What do you think when you look at mud? I think it’s absolutely majestic. There is Life, in mud, you know.

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On the last night in Malaysia, we looked at Saturn and Jupiter through a very cool telescope which had a monitor attached to it, and would automatically locate the positions of any celestial body when you key in what you want to find. I think I might have seen Io. It was beyond cool.

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On the way back home to Singapore, in the bus, there was this wave of depression that washed over me, depositing into my head a collection of moments that I had re-lived with frustration during the trip and less-than-inspiring interpretations of what others thought of me.

I determined that I wasn’t worth anything. I went through what I thought I could do, and they were either too low down in standard to be competitive, or weren’t of much use this year; I could do nothing academic well enough. I settled on something I thought I might have. I thought I could entertain.

I thought I could entertain, be funny, tell stories, sing songs, and that was all I was worth. Then I realised that I couldn’t even do that. Throughout the trip, I saw how wonderfully entertaining and absolutely hilarious some people are, and it was horrid, trying to compete, because I couldn’t. It was horrid, because it was so important to me that I could.

My classmates are wonderful to be with, because they make me laugh all the time, and they don’t even seem to try. Maybe I’m still hung up about years ago, where I was one of the top in everything. Or something, at least. I have nothing to boast of now.

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I started on back therapy things quite a while ago. I go to an osteopath near school, who tries to manipulate my back to make it straighter. He says I ought to exercise. I don’t know how I will.

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This blog entry is tending to jump about a lot, as I don’t know how to organise it. There are too many things.

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Today, we had our little end-of-term party. Chocolate cake and tiramisu. =)

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There’s still unfinished business which I would like very, very much to stop but have already committed to them. I will try my very best (and this is a promise to you, dear reader) to get away from them as far as I can. Stuff will get organised by this weekend.

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I cannot wait for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I honestly think it will be so, so good. I also hope very hard that I am not disappointed, because that is the last thing I need to be now. Power 98 are giving away tickets to the gala premiere of PoA, and I will win them, ha.

I’m listening to the soundtrack, and it sounds absolutely enthralling. The first half of the movie is going to be such fun! Then there are these beautiful haunting tracks, and my favourite of all, “A Window To The Past”, which is a lovely theme starting with a flute solo. *melt* I must get this soundtrack. It shall be the first soundtrack I own. Then someone will give me the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack because they are nice.

(Yes, that was a hint.)

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Sometimes I think that I’ve understood Leadership, but it just confuses me, because ultimately, I have not grasped its principles fully, in that I cannot shift from one role to another, even if they are all leadership posts.

I unofficially led the mass dance captains this year. I think I put in the most thorough effort on this one. I was so proud of the sec 1s and the other mass dance captains, they were amazing. It was great in terms of organisation, energy level and problem solving, and I think I did pretty well on this job. Why then, was I so lousy with my other responsibilities? Perhaps I should discuss also the factors affecting leadership ability. I think the group you are working with plays a major, major role in how you do your job. For me, at least. I love the Buckle committee. We are great friends, there is good communication between us, and there is this positive spirit and optimism I really hope to see in every Bucklean. It’s fantastic. Maybe that was the inspiration for me to put in as much as I got out of being in the committee.

In guitar I don’t feel like I’ve done much. We were (are) horribly unorganised, and I just don’t feel the motivation to work my butt off for my CCA. I could have introduced ideas, and I could have done so much more… Of course I cannot blame anyone (and I don’t). One thing is that maybe I’m actually that inflexible and cannot work without an organised system in place first. Another is that I don’t work that well with the people. Another thing is that I am not in a position to really take charge and stuff (I’m only vice-chair), and I reckon this is the biggest obstacle I faced in my role up till now. It’s not that I’m power-hungry or anything. I just feel more free to do more things if I’m overall in charge. I will feel more responsible, more motivated, more at ease than having to, I don’t know, always refer to someone first. I would like the freedom of organising the club, really. To call meetings, to plan sessions. It doesn’t help that the chairperson isn’t all that organised either. It’s like we simply plodded through it all, like how I’ve been getting on these weeks. It’s horrible. It’s depressing. I sound like a bitter old bat. No, I think I’m just not capable.

For the HTT, it was another whole different situation which I had to lead in. I can’t imagine why I didn’t make Janice Heng or someone lead it instead, seeing as they would probably had done a better job than me. (Ha, you wanted a glowing testimonial, remember? You’ve screwed it up anyway.) It was bad from start to finish. The people made up for it I guess. The team was great. I was just put in a position where I had this small group to lead and the committees they formed weren’t that clear. I think that was partly my fault too. So many things I forgot, too, on the day of the NSS trail. I wasn’t quite so happy with some comments either. At least I think I learnt some things.

Then there’s Buckle video, which I don’t want to talk about, and things like class vice-chairperson, which I feel very guilty because I haven’t been doing my job properly. The day I got the badge, I had just been let off from mass dance, and then they pinned this other burden on me. It actually felt that symbolic.

I’m not going to take up too many leadership roles at a time in future. It’s too exhausting and too… confusing.

I just hope I actually get my glowing testimonial.

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I’ve failed every single Chinese and A Math test they’ve given us, and I failed (I think) the first History test too. We haven’t got the second History test back so I can’t say, but I wouldn’t bet on it being fabulous. I got 19 on my L1R5. Dismal, but not unexpected. I’ve been doing badly from the start.

What glowing testimonial, now?

I’ve been called in for Structured Study Sessions, which are good, I really think so, because I think they will really help me to focus. I have to stay back every day in school; but they’ll make teachers available to us for consultation, so yay to that. As I mentioned above, things will get organised by this weekend, and the holidays shall have a structure. And because you should stick to structures, I will.

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I have no conclusion. This entry’s been so long, it feels like it needs one. I guess, just, I am trying really hard to get my morale and confidence up again, so hey you guys, help me okay? I will give you my $10 Popular voucher.

I was just kidding.

I really was.

Please don’t believe it. *hangs on tight to $10 Popular voucher*