1x long long post

Lots of things have been happening that I think I'm allowed to be disappointed about.

I was at the Council meeting room early today, and met the Yonglord, who opened the door. He said I looked stoned, and I said I was, having slept at 4am this morning. Then I took out my lappie to show him our pictures for photography, and he saw the Percomm pop quiz that we got back today - I got 12/20.

"What is this?"

"Quiz lorh."

"Why like that?"

Sigh. "Never study lorh."

Then he said that he'd seen people come into CMM and go down, and that I need to organise my time properly, and if not like that how to do video with him?

And he's right, and I'm glad he said that, because I kinda need a bit of prodding and encouragement, and YonglordVideo is right encouragement indeed. I'm very... grateful for my good relationship with my lecturers, and I feel that Mr Yong really does try to give me that little push I need. I know my lecturers think highly of me, and I feel like I may let them down this semester.

Hell, I've let myself down.

Enough, I think. Enough of allowing myself to just scrape by. I have dreams and I want to reach them, and I won't do it by continuing like this. I hope I didn't wake up too late.

I've also gone through enough self-delusion. It's upsetting, but I don't brood, and my emotions are quietly under wrap. I hope they don't explode; I have a lot of persuasive communications to do to myself, and then they may fizzle and die and I'll be perfectly fine. Currently, I'm fine. I may not be perfectly wonderfully in peace with the world but I'm fine.

I'm just... disappointed in myself on various levels.

And there are so many things to organise - things in my head, in my room, in my closet, in my heart. It's overwhelming, and I feel I need to run from it all. Of course, whoever said running away would solve the problem? But I'm a born procrastinator, so I'll leave it all to later, and breathe first.

So acting is my escape. Arts Appreciation class is great because we all start from nothing, and being more experienced gives me confidence. I wish I could be rehearsing for one of our customary end-of-year productions. I think I've learnt a few things from TSD and Arts App and the Madhatters. Hell I wouldn't mind doing Fish again. Because I want to get angry and I want to scream and shout and yell, which I cannot do in real life because I don't want to be angry at people - I feel it doesn't do/solve anything.

I used to hold month-long grudges when I was stupid in primary school. But I found out it saps the energy from me, and the other party probably isn't going through as much hell as you are putting yourself through anyway. I remember what the fight with Lee Ying in P5 was about: a stupid crush and a stupid promise to not tell said crush about it. I chose to hold it against her, and we had a cold war, and I went through hell, and I cried for the entire December holidays.

I now take things as they come, allowing myself to get mad or upset for a while if need be, and then moving on and letting things go. Sometimes I don't want to, but logic always gets the better of me. There's been a lot going on in my head - thoughts and memories and The Sad Truth - and The Sad Truth always wins.

I've been feeling old.

But young enough to be confused and frustrated about what I want.

I had this thought this morning: being in poly is probably harder on me socially than it is academically. In secondary school, I never made fun of anyone mean-spiritedly, nor did I talk behind their backs, nor did I gossip about others. At all. Being where I am now seems to have made it more okay for me to not like someone. I tend to believe that no one can be all bad; there really is good in every person. I haven't thrown away that belief, but I laugh at people anyway.

I don't think I want to go through life not making any mistakes. I think maybe people tend to look back at things and go "oh shit I shouldn't have done that; maybe if I'd done this it would all have been better" and they hang on to it and they regret it, but maybe there is good in everything that happens to you.

There is never nothing to learn from anything at all. Randall used to tell me "you learn something new everyday" and it's true. Today I learnt that it is possible for me to let go of things.

Randall would also say that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I've surprised myself with my own strength and will, to be honest. The past month has been very humbling. At any rate, I want to be happy. If not for myself, for you-who-wrote-me-that-Christmas-card.

I don't want to lose my job as a happy medium, yannow.